Thursday, March 6, 2014

Ups, downs, and anger

It had been a time of ups and downs. Two weeks ago my blog friend Deborah over at My Moms Work contacted me to say she was in Ireland, as I had missed her a couple if years previously I was determined to meet her. Mr Margie and I welcomed her and her husband Jim to our home after six years of blog friendship. She kept up to date with my cancer and surgery over the blog. We hugged and chatted as though we knew each other all out lives. Deborah took a few minutes to set up my spinning wheel, and had it running smoothly in no time. While she does not have a New Zealand, Ashford wheel she has others and does spinning demonstrations back in the USA. She left me with lots of hugs and a beautiful handknit ring. 
Mr Margie took Morris out from under his cover so Deborah could take some photos and I waved from the bedroom window. 

On the Monday evening I began to feel unwell, and over a couple of hours it steadily became unbearable, dry retching followed and I could bear it no longer, At some point during a sleepless night Mr. Margie drove me to hospital in Dublin. I endured prodding, poking and numerous x rays before Professor Ridgeway came round. He asked me a couple of questions, then held my hand as he explained it was an infection, a minor hiccup on my road to recovery, and he promised he would get to the bottom of it and I would be home in a couple of days. I was home three days later feeling better. 

Thank you everyone who sent me get well wishes, cards, texts, private messages, emails I cannot keep up with the hundreds of wishes,or requests to visit and I do not have the time or energy to reply personally. I will try to explain how important your love and support are to my recovery. 
Mostly talking wears me out, especially if there is more than one person speaking. Also repeating the same story about my recovery or illness is tiring. Sometimes all I want is to not talk about it all. 
I am not the person I was six months ago, I have changed totally and entirely, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, I have struggled through every hour of those six months shaping and reforming this new me. I find it difficult to witness someone seeing me for the first time since this change had occurred, I know this is about the person having to accept the changes, however pity, patronising and condescending attitudes just make me angry. I don't want to be reminded of how I was before as it is painful for me, I don't want to be talked at about how well I look despite the cancer.  I have already come to terms with these changes and I am angry that I had cancer and had to have my stomach removed. However I cannot change that, the only change I can make is in my recovery. Everyday I wake to face my recovery one day at a time, seeing what challenges each new days brings.  I know that this is a new opportunity for me, one which I am not fully aware of as yet, each day a step closer, but every now and then I have flashes of what might be. It is support and love that helps me through the struggle to survive. Your messages of positivity and get well support the stepping stones on my journey. 

Big hugs,
Love Margie ❤️


Deborah said...

Dear Margie, Jim and I were so happy to meet you and Mr. Margie face to face! It was delightful spending time with you both. I love the photos and it was a treat to get the wheel set up. I look forward to the day you will be spinning some wool into yarn! I can tell you that it is a very relaxing activity and especially nice to do outside on a beautiful day.
Your strength, determination, and grace are inspiring--rooting for you to continue to kick cancer's butt from across the pond!
Sending love and ((hugs)) to you,

Alex Morahan said...

Hi Margie...thanks for sharing where you are at and the struggles and is sad to hear but it is the reality you face every day...and I think you are amazing! I just read your latest blog to Maggie and Megan and we all send you our great love and a family hug...feel it yet? We then scrolled down a bit and Megan jumped up and shouted...oh my card is on it and she was so excited and delighted...thanks!
I was in KK today and so many people again sent their love and wishes to you...especially Dervla and Claire.
I know you know we love you and send love and hugs every moment of every day. I could go on all night but will to you and Marc...Mr Margie.xxxxxxx

Mary p said...

hi mag sending you love hugs and prayers and from all in childcare

Rosie said...

Hi Margie I am Rosie from Italy.
I am approaching my 10th year after total gastrectomy.
I am a blogger too, here's my blog with my story from the beginning:
You can translate it by clicking on the Union Jack.
I'm here to send you my hope, and my wishes for your recovery.
I will link your blog in mine, and I will come frequently to read how you are.
Love from Italy